I understand now
by kane alexis
Summary: He didn't this feeling that left him uncomfortable and strangely claustrophobic...yet happy. One-shot.


A/N: Hey guys! This is an idea and muse that is dedicated to my best friends- Madz, Kp, Pavi, Phi, Amr. Love you guys.

I really love Ace because the guy reminds me of well...me. I've always thought my existence meant nothing and I know firsthand how empty life is when you believe that , which is why I was so happy when Ace said that he _wanted_ to live.

Because nobody in this world deserves to stand in front of a mirror and think that 'my existence means nothing' . _Nobody_.

So yeah this is my tribute to the guy. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: There is very little I own for myself and one piece definitely doesn't come up in the list.

* * *

I UNDERSTAND NOW

* * *

"Luffy!" the dark haired boy shouted, hair plastered on his pale forehead, "Get going, NOW!"

Ace didn't wait for the inevitable wail, instead pushed his little brother into Sabo, who grabbed hold of the rubbery mass of flying limbs almost instinctively and dived head first into the raging waters of the river.

He heard his brothers shout against the fierce howling of the wind before he hit the water , their voices hoarse with desperation but the sounds were muffled as he tried to find his bearing in the stormy waters.

Kicking with all his might, the freckled child broke the surface, gulping in air, limbs already weighed down with the exhaustion. Blinking against the torrential rain, intense dark gray eyes scanned the river even as his body slammed against rocks and floating tree trunks.

Within a matter of seconds, his eyes focused in on his target; a bright splash of yellow and red against the murky gloom of the water. The straw hat was limply hanging from one of the tree branches of the tree that had fallen into the river during the storm.

With strong but exhausted strokes, Ace managed to grab hold of the tree trunk, draping his too tired body over the trunk, as a leverage against the strong sway of the waters.

Eyes drooping from exhaustion, cold numb fingers reached for the old thing that reminded him of warm sunshine and bright hay, and a grinning little boy whose head was far too small for the battered hat.

Just as his fingers closed around the soggy hat, he heard a loud _swoosh_ behind him, before something big slammed into him.

Pain exploded behind his eyes even as he clutched the hat close to his chest, letting the inviting darkness take over, his last conscious though fleeting and dim,

" _Luffy' s treasure...don't let go.."_

...

He felt a dull ache throb through his entire body as he sluggishly opened his eyes, before immediately closing them when bright light assaulted his pupils.

The ten year old slowly blinked his eyes, letting them adjust to the light, before opening them completely, to find himself completely bandaged and wrapped with blankets on the floor of their tree house.

A groan escaped his lips as the raven head tried to sit up, pain tearing through his entire body at the movement ,

"Mind telling me what you were trying to do?"

Startled slightly, grey eyes snapped up to meet bloodshot angry _enraged_ blue eyes; Sabo looked utterly _exhausted_ , tear tracks mapped his too pale cheeks, his usually bright hair, looking faded and eyes sunken as he glared at him.

"Luffy' s hat, it fell into the river" Ace mumbled.

Sabo clenched his fist, _fury_ leaking into his form,

"And so you _jumped_ into the river in the middle of a _freaking_ _thunderstorm_?"

Ace winced slightly, feeling the controlled rage the other radiated, before his own stubborn defiance had him straightening his spine,

"If I hadn't jumped, then we would've LOST it" he snapped back.

Ace smirked as knew that would do the trick, even Sabo should know that Luffy' s happiness was more important than his li-

"SO WHAT?!"

Sabo was now standing, fists clenched white, practically vibrating with rage, his eyes suspiciously bright,

"YOUR _LIFE_ IS MORE IMPORTANT TO US, YOU MORON!"

Dark eyes widened in surprise and then the familiar anger and denial that had haunted him for _years_ , came back nipping at his insides, rearing at him to shout back, when he felt something moving by his feet.

"A-Ace?" big red rimmed chocolate brown eyes blinked at him, as its small owner sat up from his position at his feet, blankets falling off.

Before he could even blink, Luffy was on him, his rubbery limbs wrapped thrice around his waist painfully, as the tiny child cried against his shoulders, his eyes closed as big fat tears stained his bandages wet, whispering his name softly.

As always, he felt his dark anger fade at the heartbreaking wails, instead he wrapped his own hands around the smaller body in an awkward hug, letting his chin rest on the mop of dark feathery hair,

"Idiot, didn't I tell you real men don't cry?" he said somewhat harshly, but his words held no bite, as he gently bumped his baby brother on the head.

"But A-Ace...wouldn't wake up..when Sabo found you in the river..." Luffy stuttered against his chest, his sobs still shaking his tiny shoulders

The freckled older brother didn't say anything, instead let his fingers awkwardly stroke the younger's back, while silently beseeching his brother to help him out.

Sabo still looked angry but sighed and ran his fingers through his knotted dirty hair, as a few tears curled against his eye lashes, before striding forward to sit by his brothers.

"It's alright, Lu, everything's fine" the blonde soothed, his fingers carding through the dark sweaty hair.

Luffy in response let one of his limbs wrap around his other older brother as well, cocooning them together, as he felt the stark terror of last night pressing in on him.

They stayed together like that for hours, letting their anger and fear and the mind crippling _terror_ drown out in the brightness of their bonds. Luffy' s sobs gradually faded to occasional whimpers as his big brothers shushed him with soothing whispers and hummed melodies and eventually half hearted threats.

Ace stared at his brothers who had wrapped themselves around him, their exhausted drooping shoulders, red rimmed swollen eyes, and the fine tremors that still shook their frames,

"I'm...sorry" He whispered softly, ducking his head into his younger brother's wild locks and tightening his arms around them because he _was_ sorry but not.

"Idiot, don't say things you don't mean"

The words were quietly spoken, barely a whisper and the slight hit to his head was even more softer as his blond haired brother sighed against his side. Luffy just tightened his grip on ace as if his grip was the only thing keeping him there. Grounding him.

Ace just kept quite because he _didn't_ know what to say because the tight feeling in his chest was strange and he _didn't_ know what to do with it because damn it he _isn't_ supposed to be treasured like this. He was a demon, one who didn't deserve this light strange feeling in his chest that left him _scared_ and _frightened_ and _uncomfortable_ but so... _content_.

And so he would do what he always does, act brash and bristle up and scowl because he _didn't know what else to do._

"Shut up, you dimwits, it's not like I died or anything" he griped out, even though his scowl was more of a grimace and his retort was more of a hoarse whisper. He felt his brothers tense slightly but he continued on, ignoring the way his heart lurched at the thought,

"And if I hadn't, who would've got your treasure, huh Luffy?"

He had expected the protests to stop there, for his tiny little brother to comically realise the implications of losing his treasure. He had expected his brothers to smile brightly and just shake off the tears and come to the same conclusion as him, that _his life just didn't matter_.

What he _hadn't_ expected was that his brothers would both _punch_ him at the same time and then let out a collective gut wrenching sob as they latched themselves onto him with renewed energy.

"Silly...silly Ace..."Warm chocolate yes stared up at him even as a small equally warm hand gently tapped his cheeks, " Ace means more than _any_ treasure"

Sabo watched with sadly as his idiot of a brother blinked at Luffy, before turning away slightly ,no doubt to hide his blushing cheeks and his eyes. It _tore_ his soul apart to think that Ace believed himself to be less than a battered frayed old hat, no matter how much of a treasure it was, it made him want to go and _bellow_ at the top of his lungs to the world that _yes_ , this small black haired child of some pirate king _deserved_ to live. To be alive and happy and just that- _Ace_.

But for now he would just content himself with a soft whisper,

"Your life means more than _anything_ in this world to us, you stupid idiot"

Ace didn't reply, just gathered them closer , looking stunned and surprised and it just so _heartbreaking._ But even then he _didn't_ understand, couldn't just couldn't.

So Sabo just watched as Luffy grabbed his beloved straw hat, from between the blankets where it had been hap hazardously thrown on reaching the tree house with an unconscious and not responding Ace. It's edges were still soggy and limp, but somehow it was looking more _bright_ than ever as he plopped it on his still stunned brother's head.

"But-but I don't understand" he raised one of his hands to touch his head, fingering the coarse material of the straw hat, feeling a strange warmth settle into the depth of his bones, warming him through. Because he _didn't_.

Luffy just grinned his gigantically brilliant smile before wrapping his arms around them once again,

"Ace is stupid" he giggled against Ace's chest."We're brothers, Family"

And when those sharp greyish black eyes turned to him , still confused and lost, Sabo just smiled at him, laying his head on his shoulder and leaning against him,

"Stop running away, Ace"

Blue eyes pinned slightly dilated black ones, beseeching the other to understand, to feel that bellow that rang in the air around them, even when it was unsaid, the echo of a bond, a _promise_.

"You have people to chase after you and beat the crap out of you and _bring you back_ "

...

 _Ten years later_

Greyish black eyes took in all the people who fought before him, his nakama and his little whirlwind of a brother. And as he watched them _bellow_ and _scream_ and _shout_ his name, he felt that old feeling return again, the one that left him uncomfortable and warm and content.

The one that bubbled up in him when Luffy grinned up at him, when Sabo took care of all his minor scrapes and cuts, when Marco kneeled down next to him and smiled at him, when his Oyaji smiled at him and proclaimed him as his son and family, when his nakama glared at people who jeered at him, when his Jiji sat beside him and cried for him.

 _Love._

He felt the tears track his cheek as he finally _finally_ understood _._

"I want...to ... _LIVE!_ "

* * *

 _Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends._

 _John 15:13_


End file.
